"when u read 2 much shakespeare and cry more than 7 times in 3 days" from 29.07.16

Sometimes I wonder if I deserve this
Cosmic karmic punishment.
I was the instigator of a messy
Breakdown and now I am the subject
Of a cruel flip of fate.

Is this what was always coming?
Is this the conclusion to the ever-building scream in my throat?

Suspended in between origin and fruition.
No noise escapes but my raggedy breaths.
It is a silent feeling pushing its way out.
I lock it down.
It's nice to have a reason to scream.
That which was once trapped is now 
Finally allowed its freedom if even so
In a most morbid fashion.

If destiny have willed this upon me
As a penance for my misdemeanors
It would make, in a way, sense. I cannot
Comprehend how this came to the point 
Which now lies embedded in my forgiving
Front, a testament to the nature of balance
And balance of nature. Neither so did the 
Ever innocent in my own cruel revolution.

So to proclaim myself a victim feels like
Basic untruth, for are we all not at some time
The wielder of power? Furthermore, is it more
Important to recognise one's own faults or to
Simply not blunder? One makes the self honest,
The other makes the self more righteous.
For within mine own skin I see the downfalls
Of my past and thus accept the tears of my present.

"An evaluation on the ending of friendships" from 22.07.16

My main question since you deserted me:

- Am I just as fickle as you?

My tentative answer to this question:

- !FIELD NOT FOUND!

My observations of your behaviour:

- You always adapt to your surroundings

- In a way, we all do

- We learn to speak louder when grandma's around and softer when it's baby's nap time

- But this feels different

- You adopt whatever the person you are with holds most dear

- You pull it closer to yourself and in the process, closer to them, a desperate attempt to hold onto someone before they burn out like a match

My main question reworded:

- Do I also change who I am just to fit in with people?

Supporting evidence for answer: "no"

- I did not burn all my bridges in an attempt to keep myself safe, like you did

An elaboration

- I only burned most of my bridges

- not all

- it's not the same

- please don't let it be the same

Supporting evidence for answer: "yes"

- I was always so quick to placate your demands

- I was always ready to do whatever it took to keep you

- (That didn't stop you)

- (I'm probably worse than you)

- (oh dear god)

- (I'm a fraud)

- (What am I even sure about myself?)

Conclusion drawn from evaluation:

- I don't know.

- I hope desperately for the sake of my precariously pieced together personality that I'm not

Please.

Untitled from 15.07.16 and 22.07.16

I have an obsession with you.
Not in the traditional sense.
In a way where I constantly follow your every move in order to
Attempt to figure out my next move
Avoid or Approach or Assume

Avoid, usually.

It pisses me off to no end.

It's as though I'm still connected to you somehow, 
As though I have yet to sever ties.
I wonder if that will ever fade or
If it is simply the nature of the end.

I'm always conscious of your presence
Aware
Of where
You are
Compared
To me.
With this information I know not what to do.

Every time I see you my brain
Goes into a panic, not because
It shuts down but merely 
Because it has no programmed action.

It's a panic of:
Shit what the hell am I meant to do now oh shit what is the right thing holy shit
A decision that has to be made.
Nine times out of ten I
Run
Avoid and 
Hide

I mean it's just worked so well for me thus far, not.

I know not what other to do.
Every time I attempt to smooth
I make the hole deeper and wider
A testament to my failure.
At what point do we stop smoothing?
Stop fixing the seemingly unfixable?
I gave up, I conceal this not.
But only for fear of allowing my
Bloated pride to ribbon the shrinking shreds once more.

I drew the line
I don't know how to fix it
I function with you ever in my peripheral
I don't know how to fix it
I want to fix it but
I don't know how to fix it

Untitled from 22.07.16

I don't want to date anyone.
I want to fake-date someone.
Without the romantic subtext of the run-of-the-mill rom-com.

I want all the perks of dating
- a best friend
- someone to snuggle with
- getting to do cool things together
- cute nothing-y things that only couples have an excuse to do

Without all the sucky parts
- romantic complications
- awkwardness
- not feeling like you can ask what they actually think

Though most of those are hardly universal
I am an anomaly. 
A piece with no puzzle of origin.
A stand alone movie, where a sequel was attempted but abandoned, but everyone loves it just the way it is.
It's probably best left just as it is anyway.

I want all of the parts of dating that involve the sweet nothings of the couple but without the permanency. You both know it could end and welcome it. I feel too boxed in by questionable endings and lock-in contracts. Even when that's not entirely what they are.

Because maybe, in the end, I just don't deserve a love.

It's hard to forgive yourself when you leave no time for them to forgive you.