I just have hours of music in my head. It churns around in there, waiting for me to accidentally start tapping my toes and open my mouth before tumbling out on top of itself.
We always seem to form attachments to music with lyrics we can relate to. We belt them on bad days and hum them on good days. But what about the songs that just... sound nice?
They don't have any particular meaning per se, but the beat sticks with you and you catch yourself murmuring the melody under your breath. Their sound is not wasted on you. An "audio aesthetic" if you will.
Just glimpses of grey puddles and plaid school skirts to accompany a lazy guitar strum. The give you a glimpse of a moment that didn't exist, unlike anything else.
Sunday, 29 November 2015
"wtf is this even" from 27.11.15
I already feel like I've done so much. It's literally only been two days and yet feels like a lifetime. A million different emotions have washed over me and changed me.
It is not time that matures us, but experience. Age is not real, not truly; it is but a construct of humanity to hold a standard that doesn't exist. Sixteen years old is meaningless, there are ten year olds who have lived more than they. Experiences require time, yes. But time does not require experience.
It is not time that matures us, but experience. Age is not real, not truly; it is but a construct of humanity to hold a standard that doesn't exist. Sixteen years old is meaningless, there are ten year olds who have lived more than they. Experiences require time, yes. But time does not require experience.
"Summer Dreams" from 23.11.15
I'm standing on the edge. I'm ready to go. Summer storms are already drifting in as though to tease the coming months. The heavy humidity hangs in the air, relenting only under the guise of the night sky and cold rain.
What I have left yet to do is the most important, and yet the easiest to ignore in the rush for the break. Is it any surprise that so many just don't show up?
I am jumpy, stressed even, too willing to leave it all behind for eight sweet weeks. My knees shake a little. I have been preparing for this for so long.
But when sweet release arrives, what will I really do with it? I wish not to squander my precious freedom on useless experiences or simple choices that I could make anytime.
I want this summer to mean something.
What I have left yet to do is the most important, and yet the easiest to ignore in the rush for the break. Is it any surprise that so many just don't show up?
I am jumpy, stressed even, too willing to leave it all behind for eight sweet weeks. My knees shake a little. I have been preparing for this for so long.
But when sweet release arrives, what will I really do with it? I wish not to squander my precious freedom on useless experiences or simple choices that I could make anytime.
I want this summer to mean something.
Monday, 23 November 2015
"oh shit" from 23.11.15
I've done it.
I've reached the point at which I desperately worry about what you think of me. I know that I'm annoying and stress a lot and you just seem so much more in control.
I spent my time trying to convince you that I'm annoying. I warned you that I was difficult. And now that I've already let myself get attached, I'm starting to believe my own words.
I'm not even sure if you life me anymore. Maybe I've screwed it all up somehow.
I wish desperately that I didn't care. But I do anyway. And it's tearing me up inside.
I've reached the point at which I desperately worry about what you think of me. I know that I'm annoying and stress a lot and you just seem so much more in control.
I spent my time trying to convince you that I'm annoying. I warned you that I was difficult. And now that I've already let myself get attached, I'm starting to believe my own words.
I'm not even sure if you life me anymore. Maybe I've screwed it all up somehow.
I wish desperately that I didn't care. But I do anyway. And it's tearing me up inside.
"Possibility" from 22.11.15
I could've kissed him.
I didn't.
But I could have.
I'm not really sure if I regret it or not. I just recognise that there was opportunity for it to happen. For the first time ever.
We were there and it just hit me like a ton of bricks. I made a split second decision and here I am now.
I'm quite happy where I am now. I'm content with what I have, for the moment. But the question is: Would I be happier if I had more? Would it be overwhelming? I already have so many thoughts and feelings in my head that it's a little overwhelming. Do I really want more? Could I handle more?
So for now, I'll say I don't regret it. But maybe later that will change.
I didn't.
But I could have.
I'm not really sure if I regret it or not. I just recognise that there was opportunity for it to happen. For the first time ever.
We were there and it just hit me like a ton of bricks. I made a split second decision and here I am now.
I'm quite happy where I am now. I'm content with what I have, for the moment. But the question is: Would I be happier if I had more? Would it be overwhelming? I already have so many thoughts and feelings in my head that it's a little overwhelming. Do I really want more? Could I handle more?
So for now, I'll say I don't regret it. But maybe later that will change.
"Should've known" from 18.11.15
I should've known you'd understand.
I feel like that whole chapter of my year has just had a light turned on.
It's no longer a part I hold in my heart as something cold and isolated.
In a way it belongs to both of us now. But not too much.
But mostly I'm glad that I took the plunge to talk about this. If I hadn't, I would have just brought this up later in a worse situation where it would have played out differently. Maybe we both would have left with some more scars.
But here we are. I'm glad it turned out this way.
I feel like that whole chapter of my year has just had a light turned on.
It's no longer a part I hold in my heart as something cold and isolated.
In a way it belongs to both of us now. But not too much.
But mostly I'm glad that I took the plunge to talk about this. If I hadn't, I would have just brought this up later in a worse situation where it would have played out differently. Maybe we both would have left with some more scars.
But here we are. I'm glad it turned out this way.
Wednesday, 18 November 2015
"Old wounds, not scars" from 18.11.15
I am scratching up old wounds and simply staring at the blood that pools.
Surely soon, I will feel the pain that I am so clearly digging for. It will come and I can numb it out with my decided ignorance. I can numb it out of my life again.
I shouldn't've pulled at my scars. I should've known that they weren't really scars, just cuts in my skin that I chose to ignore. I should've just lived in bliss and pretended they never existed.
Now that I've grown, I can see that simply ignoring them won't work again. They'll just become easier and easier to break open again until their sharp sting is all I ever feel.
If I let it fester, it will take over that which I have built since then on it's feeble ruins.
This time I need to air it out and let the fresh water sting it so I can be free of its hold on me.
Surely soon, I will feel the pain that I am so clearly digging for. It will come and I can numb it out with my decided ignorance. I can numb it out of my life again.
I shouldn't've pulled at my scars. I should've known that they weren't really scars, just cuts in my skin that I chose to ignore. I should've just lived in bliss and pretended they never existed.
Now that I've grown, I can see that simply ignoring them won't work again. They'll just become easier and easier to break open again until their sharp sting is all I ever feel.
If I let it fester, it will take over that which I have built since then on it's feeble ruins.
This time I need to air it out and let the fresh water sting it so I can be free of its hold on me.
"Leave" from 18.11.15
You were quite charming
But I was egotistical.
I was independent.
You were after something I just didn't have to offer.
So you left.
I cried.
I didn't understand
Why that meant that you couldn't enjoy what I did offer.
I grieved for myself and the person I was not.
You came back.
I was confused.
I still am.
I don't want you to leave
But I don't want to have to change for you to stay.
But I was egotistical.
I was independent.
You were after something I just didn't have to offer.
So you left.
I cried.
I didn't understand
Why that meant that you couldn't enjoy what I did offer.
I grieved for myself and the person I was not.
You came back.
I was confused.
I still am.
I don't want you to leave
But I don't want to have to change for you to stay.
"Bitter" from 18.11.15
I'm still bitter from time to time.
I read my old words
With their guise of carefree indifference
With their pain lost in sending.
When I read them
I feel their anger swell in my heart
I see their passive aggressive undertones
I hear my heart break again
I look desperate
I look bitter
I look like I'm trying to mop up the water in a river.
It was never going to work.
So I let that anger go
I let myself feel only disappointed resignation.
I will not let myself become that person again.
I am different now.
But that bitterness will still sit inside.
I read my old words
With their guise of carefree indifference
With their pain lost in sending.
When I read them
I feel their anger swell in my heart
I see their passive aggressive undertones
I hear my heart break again
I look desperate
I look bitter
I look like I'm trying to mop up the water in a river.
It was never going to work.
So I let that anger go
I let myself feel only disappointed resignation.
I will not let myself become that person again.
I am different now.
But that bitterness will still sit inside.
Untitled from 18.11.15
I looked over out past conversations
And suddenly I was reminded.
You say you would never hurt me
But you already have.
You might not remember
Four weeks of bitter silence
Three messages on Three separate days, all ignored
Two months of our social interaction falling just short of a dialogue
One heart I had to learn to mend on my own
But I remember.
So I will be wary of your warm words
For they can easily turn to fire or to ash.
I want not to have to mend my heart again.
And suddenly I was reminded.
You say you would never hurt me
But you already have.
You might not remember
Four weeks of bitter silence
Three messages on Three separate days, all ignored
Two months of our social interaction falling just short of a dialogue
One heart I had to learn to mend on my own
But I remember.
So I will be wary of your warm words
For they can easily turn to fire or to ash.
I want not to have to mend my heart again.
Untitled from 13.11.15
I would say I'm falling for you, but that wouldn't be strictly true. It's more like I'm sliding down a really long slippery slide, where I can't really see the bottom yet and every so often I grab the sides and stop myself. Because I'm afraid.
But every so often I let myself slide a little further down without really noticing. Because it's scary but it's fun as well and I know the only other way is to go back up and probably never look down again. And I don't want that.
Because I really like you. If I hadn't, I wouldn't have bothered to get this far. I'm just terrified of what awaits me at the bottom and what the people I hold close will say. Because the words of strangers are meaningless to me, but my biggest fear is letting down the people I love.
And so even though my fear may be in vain, it's still unknown and that's enough to set me on edge. But just because it's scary doesn't mean that it's not what I'm gonna go for, because for some strange reason, maybe I'm falling for you anyway...
But every so often I let myself slide a little further down without really noticing. Because it's scary but it's fun as well and I know the only other way is to go back up and probably never look down again. And I don't want that.
Because I really like you. If I hadn't, I wouldn't have bothered to get this far. I'm just terrified of what awaits me at the bottom and what the people I hold close will say. Because the words of strangers are meaningless to me, but my biggest fear is letting down the people I love.
And so even though my fear may be in vain, it's still unknown and that's enough to set me on edge. But just because it's scary doesn't mean that it's not what I'm gonna go for, because for some strange reason, maybe I'm falling for you anyway...
Monday, 16 November 2015
"Visual Theatre" from 10.11.15
A sharp intake of breath. The light dims as the curtain on the window is drawn shut. The fan wobbles slightly as it spins lazily, enough that it doesn't cause dizziness, should you deign to stare at it.
Patience. The first beat has not yet fallen so no-one moves. White dresses almost illuminate the darkness in the still. The shiny pieces of plastic hang from the ceiling; it feels like a spider's web, silky threads hanging everywhere. It feels like a witches' coven, with empty eyes staring straight into the darkness. They're just...waiting. You're already too close to get away.
It won't come to a fight, but if it did, you would lose. They have a plan and you have nothing but the blind obedience that brought you this far. You have no idea what to expect, and yet you have to be prepared for anything.
Patience. The first beat has not yet fallen so no-one moves. White dresses almost illuminate the darkness in the still. The shiny pieces of plastic hang from the ceiling; it feels like a spider's web, silky threads hanging everywhere. It feels like a witches' coven, with empty eyes staring straight into the darkness. They're just...waiting. You're already too close to get away.
It won't come to a fight, but if it did, you would lose. They have a plan and you have nothing but the blind obedience that brought you this far. You have no idea what to expect, and yet you have to be prepared for anything.
"Unlikely Possibilities" from 06.11.15
If you kissed me, I might kiss you back. I mean, there is the small obstacle of that fact that I have no clue as to how kissing works, but provided that I got over that obstacle, I'm sure it could work out fine.
The point is, I really like you. More than I've ever liked anyone before. And I have no idea what that means for me or you, but I know that this is a new feeling for me. It's possible that I've grown more in the past few months than in the eight ones preceding them. A whole different experience has been my life and it's changed me as a person.
Relationships are complicated, I know this much. There's so many factors that are at play and their difficult nature is offputting to me. I don't want to get hurt or let you down. I'm cautious of letting myself fall where I've seen so many others break in the process.
The point is, I really like you. More than I've ever liked anyone before. And I have no idea what that means for me or you, but I know that this is a new feeling for me. It's possible that I've grown more in the past few months than in the eight ones preceding them. A whole different experience has been my life and it's changed me as a person.
Relationships are complicated, I know this much. There's so many factors that are at play and their difficult nature is offputting to me. I don't want to get hurt or let you down. I'm cautious of letting myself fall where I've seen so many others break in the process.
"Window" from 02.11.15
The night air smells cold. This might sound stupid, but it's true. There's no overpowering smell of dust or rain or smoke. It just smells crisp as it filters through my flyscreen. I'm sure if you tried, you could pull some metaphor out of it all, but for now, I just enjoy the refreshing sensation flood my senses.
For a fleeting moment I feel trapped within the walls of the stuffy house, longing for the feeling of smooth cement under my feet and my hair whipping around my face. Not you typical "teenage dream", granted, but just as vivid. The moment passes and I go back to my original plan.
I'm meant to be closing the window, but I decide to drink in the crisp scent for a moment longer. I pretend it's washing me, forgiving me. I smile and close the window.
For a fleeting moment I feel trapped within the walls of the stuffy house, longing for the feeling of smooth cement under my feet and my hair whipping around my face. Not you typical "teenage dream", granted, but just as vivid. The moment passes and I go back to my original plan.
I'm meant to be closing the window, but I decide to drink in the crisp scent for a moment longer. I pretend it's washing me, forgiving me. I smile and close the window.
Sunday, 1 November 2015
"Night Air" from 01.11.15
The darkness made you feel brave.
The late night air filled your lungs and the only light was the dull glow of the outdoor lamps around the other side of the house. Courage swelled in your heart as I smiled. There was some witty back and forth on our tongues and a glimmer of flirt in our eyes.
You didn't flinch when we touched, in fact, you shoved me right back. I felt like an exception, exempt from the rules because I mean something to you, in that moment at least.
I still didn't really interact with you the way I wanted, but the night air didn't really affect me the same way as you. The darkness made me giddy and your touch ignited my joy. I feel like they could've asked me anything, and in that moment, I would've let my heart pour out. But they asked all the wrong questions, so I guess they'll just go on not knowing...
The late night air filled your lungs and the only light was the dull glow of the outdoor lamps around the other side of the house. Courage swelled in your heart as I smiled. There was some witty back and forth on our tongues and a glimmer of flirt in our eyes.
You didn't flinch when we touched, in fact, you shoved me right back. I felt like an exception, exempt from the rules because I mean something to you, in that moment at least.
I still didn't really interact with you the way I wanted, but the night air didn't really affect me the same way as you. The darkness made me giddy and your touch ignited my joy. I feel like they could've asked me anything, and in that moment, I would've let my heart pour out. But they asked all the wrong questions, so I guess they'll just go on not knowing...
"CA" from 25.10.15
Having your approval makes this whole situation much less daunting. I trust you, like, a lot and your opinion means a lot to me because you are so strong of character and someone whose morals I admire. Your objective reflection and steadfast support make me feel more secure in each step I take and the more I trust you with stuff, the more I'm glad I do.
You've not once let me down yet.
You've not once let me down yet.
"Lean" from 25.10.15
I wanted to lean into you this morning, but I honestly felt like it'd screw everything up more than I already have. I don't know why, but I feel so much more comfortable flirting with you when our friends are around. May it's because when we're alone, the prospect of a relationship seems so much more daunting. With our friends, our support squad is right there, cheering us on.
I'm thankful you're not turning on me. I honestly thought you might when I told you that I couldn't be in a relationship right now. But you stuck around.
I don't want to put the extra pressure of a relationship on myself when I can't really control or understand my feelings right now. But I do know that I really like you...
I'm thankful you're not turning on me. I honestly thought you might when I told you that I couldn't be in a relationship right now. But you stuck around.
I don't want to put the extra pressure of a relationship on myself when I can't really control or understand my feelings right now. But I do know that I really like you...
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