How could I ever explain to you how long you will linger beneath my skin? Every word you ever said to me is trapped just below surface level, below visibility. It is in my subconscious that your influence lies , now a permanent fixture in my Alltag.
Every time I open a window at night, you're there. Every time I wear mismatched socks, you're there. Every time I sit on my front step with a glass of water, you're there.
So as I learn to accept the ghost of you in my life, I also learn to move on.
Sunday, 8 April 2018
Tuesday, 30 August 2016
"You know what, actually, you're being petty" from 30.08.16
Guess what?
I have a right to be happy independent of whether you think I deserve it or not.
Guess what?
It hurts so much to see you put salt in my wounds. I don't know if you're intentionally doing it, but dear Lord, it hurts. To see you sail smoothly where I have tripped and fallen is like a kick in the gut.
Guess what?
I'm trying my damnedest to keep this ship afloat, but you're either going to have to turn up or run away eventually. If you could decide anytime soon that would be nice as I don't want to waste my heart, soul, energy, hope and effort on someone who is just going to let me break my back for them with no notice.
Guess what?
You don't get to play the victim. I didn't do anything to deserve this garbage treatment. I didn't threaten you or hold you down or manipulate you. I just tried to let you fly without me. I'm sorry that you think I'm just a brick you're tied to.
Guess what?
If you're hurt about something, TELL ME. How am I meant to do any better if I think I'm doing a good job? Do you just expect me to know? Spoiler alert: I don't and leaving me behind in the dust hacking my lungs up doesn't make me any better. It's almost like communication is key, or something?? Revolutionary, I know.
Guess what?
The only reason I'm writing this is to stop from crying because I want you to just LISTEN to me. I am always the fixer, plastering things up but people don't want things to just be better, they want PERFECT and that is something I will NEVER be. If we compromise, maybe we could both come to an understanding that works for both of us. I will not appease you this time. I am done setting myself on fire just to keep you warm. Burn yourself out, but don't set me alight to keep you company.
I have a right to be happy independent of whether you think I deserve it or not.
Guess what?
It hurts so much to see you put salt in my wounds. I don't know if you're intentionally doing it, but dear Lord, it hurts. To see you sail smoothly where I have tripped and fallen is like a kick in the gut.
Guess what?
I'm trying my damnedest to keep this ship afloat, but you're either going to have to turn up or run away eventually. If you could decide anytime soon that would be nice as I don't want to waste my heart, soul, energy, hope and effort on someone who is just going to let me break my back for them with no notice.
Guess what?
You don't get to play the victim. I didn't do anything to deserve this garbage treatment. I didn't threaten you or hold you down or manipulate you. I just tried to let you fly without me. I'm sorry that you think I'm just a brick you're tied to.
Guess what?
If you're hurt about something, TELL ME. How am I meant to do any better if I think I'm doing a good job? Do you just expect me to know? Spoiler alert: I don't and leaving me behind in the dust hacking my lungs up doesn't make me any better. It's almost like communication is key, or something?? Revolutionary, I know.
Guess what?
The only reason I'm writing this is to stop from crying because I want you to just LISTEN to me. I am always the fixer, plastering things up but people don't want things to just be better, they want PERFECT and that is something I will NEVER be. If we compromise, maybe we could both come to an understanding that works for both of us. I will not appease you this time. I am done setting myself on fire just to keep you warm. Burn yourself out, but don't set me alight to keep you company.
"Gee Thanks For Messaging Me Back" from 30.08.16
I'm sorry that I ruined your life
I'm sorry that I'm not the same
I'm sorry that you can't see my perspective
I'm sorry I messed up your plan somehow
I'm sorry that I was in the way
I'm sorry I'm not who you want me to be
I'm sorry that other people are exempt from what I am not
I am sorry that I'm not what you thought you were paying for
I'm sorry, I tried my damn best
I'm sorry that I broke everything down
I'm sorry that you don't understand me
I'm sorry that I am not doing a better job than you
I'm sorry that you left me hanging
I'm sorry that you won't even look at me
I'm sorry that you ignore my messages
I'm sorry that you can't face life's harsh realities
I'm sorry that I'm angry
I'm sorry that you feel like you have more right to anger than me
I'm sorry I tried to understand you
I'm sorry that I cut myself short so you could stand taller
I'm sorry that your actions make me feel small
I'm sorry that every time you hang out it feels like an arrow to the knee
I'm sorry that I'm not what you wanted
I'm sorry that I'm not what you want
I'm sorry that others are better where I have failed.
I'm sorry that I'm not the same
I'm sorry that you can't see my perspective
I'm sorry I messed up your plan somehow
I'm sorry that I was in the way
I'm sorry I'm not who you want me to be
I'm sorry that other people are exempt from what I am not
I am sorry that I'm not what you thought you were paying for
I'm sorry, I tried my damn best
I'm sorry that I broke everything down
I'm sorry that you don't understand me
I'm sorry that I am not doing a better job than you
I'm sorry that you left me hanging
I'm sorry that you won't even look at me
I'm sorry that you ignore my messages
I'm sorry that you can't face life's harsh realities
I'm sorry that I'm angry
I'm sorry that you feel like you have more right to anger than me
I'm sorry I tried to understand you
I'm sorry that I cut myself short so you could stand taller
I'm sorry that your actions make me feel small
I'm sorry that every time you hang out it feels like an arrow to the knee
I'm sorry that I'm not what you wanted
I'm sorry that I'm not what you want
I'm sorry that others are better where I have failed.
Friday, 29 July 2016
"when u read 2 much shakespeare and cry more than 7 times in 3 days" from 29.07.16
Sometimes I wonder if I deserve this
Cosmic karmic punishment.
I was the instigator of a messy
Breakdown and now I am the subject
Of a cruel flip of fate.
Is this what was always coming?
Is this the conclusion to the ever-building scream in my throat?
Suspended in between origin and fruition.
No noise escapes but my raggedy breaths.
It is a silent feeling pushing its way out.
I lock it down.
It's nice to have a reason to scream.
That which was once trapped is now
Finally allowed its freedom if even so
In a most morbid fashion.
If destiny have willed this upon me
As a penance for my misdemeanors
It would make, in a way, sense. I cannot
Comprehend how this came to the point
Which now lies embedded in my forgiving
Front, a testament to the nature of balance
And balance of nature. Neither so did the
Ever innocent in my own cruel revolution.
So to proclaim myself a victim feels like
Basic untruth, for are we all not at some time
The wielder of power? Furthermore, is it more
Important to recognise one's own faults or to
Simply not blunder? One makes the self honest,
The other makes the self more righteous.
For within mine own skin I see the downfalls
Of my past and thus accept the tears of my present.
Cosmic karmic punishment.
I was the instigator of a messy
Breakdown and now I am the subject
Of a cruel flip of fate.
Is this what was always coming?
Is this the conclusion to the ever-building scream in my throat?
Suspended in between origin and fruition.
No noise escapes but my raggedy breaths.
It is a silent feeling pushing its way out.
I lock it down.
It's nice to have a reason to scream.
That which was once trapped is now
Finally allowed its freedom if even so
In a most morbid fashion.
If destiny have willed this upon me
As a penance for my misdemeanors
It would make, in a way, sense. I cannot
Comprehend how this came to the point
Which now lies embedded in my forgiving
Front, a testament to the nature of balance
And balance of nature. Neither so did the
Ever innocent in my own cruel revolution.
So to proclaim myself a victim feels like
Basic untruth, for are we all not at some time
The wielder of power? Furthermore, is it more
Important to recognise one's own faults or to
Simply not blunder? One makes the self honest,
The other makes the self more righteous.
For within mine own skin I see the downfalls
Of my past and thus accept the tears of my present.
Friday, 22 July 2016
"An evaluation on the ending of friendships" from 22.07.16
My main question since you deserted me:
- Am I just as fickle as you?
My tentative answer to this question:
- !FIELD NOT FOUND!
My observations of your behaviour:
- You always adapt to your surroundings
- In a way, we all do
- We learn to speak louder when grandma's around and softer when it's baby's nap time
- But this feels different
- You adopt whatever the person you are with holds most dear
- You pull it closer to yourself and in the process, closer to them, a desperate attempt to hold onto someone before they burn out like a match
My main question reworded:
- Do I also change who I am just to fit in with people?
Supporting evidence for answer: "no"
- I did not burn all my bridges in an attempt to keep myself safe, like you did
An elaboration
- I only burned most of my bridges
- not all
- it's not the same
- please don't let it be the same
Supporting evidence for answer: "yes"
- I was always so quick to placate your demands
- I was always ready to do whatever it took to keep you
- (That didn't stop you)
- (I'm probably worse than you)
- (oh dear god)
- (I'm a fraud)
- (What am I even sure about myself?)
Conclusion drawn from evaluation:
- I don't know.
- I hope desperately for the sake of my precariously pieced together personality that I'm not
Please.
Untitled from 15.07.16 and 22.07.16
I have an obsession with you.
Not in the traditional sense.
In a way where I constantly follow your every move in order to
Attempt to figure out my next move
Avoid or Approach or Assume
Avoid, usually.
It pisses me off to no end.
It's as though I'm still connected to you somehow,
As though I have yet to sever ties.
I wonder if that will ever fade or
If it is simply the nature of the end.
I'm always conscious of your presence
Aware
Of where
You are
Compared
To me.
With this information I know not what to do.
Every time I see you my brain
Goes into a panic, not because
It shuts down but merely
Because it has no programmed action.
It's a panic of:
Shit what the hell am I meant to do now oh shit what is the right thing holy shit
A decision that has to be made.
Nine times out of ten I
Run
Avoid and
Hide
I mean it's just worked so well for me thus far, not.
I know not what other to do.
Every time I attempt to smooth
I make the hole deeper and wider
A testament to my failure.
At what point do we stop smoothing?
Stop fixing the seemingly unfixable?
I gave up, I conceal this not.
But only for fear of allowing my
Bloated pride to ribbon the shrinking shreds once more.
I drew the line
I don't know how to fix it
I function with you ever in my peripheral
I don't know how to fix it
I want to fix it but
I don't know how to fix it
Not in the traditional sense.
In a way where I constantly follow your every move in order to
Attempt to figure out my next move
Avoid or Approach or Assume
Avoid, usually.
It pisses me off to no end.
It's as though I'm still connected to you somehow,
As though I have yet to sever ties.
I wonder if that will ever fade or
If it is simply the nature of the end.
I'm always conscious of your presence
Aware
Of where
You are
Compared
To me.
With this information I know not what to do.
Every time I see you my brain
Goes into a panic, not because
It shuts down but merely
Because it has no programmed action.
It's a panic of:
Shit what the hell am I meant to do now oh shit what is the right thing holy shit
A decision that has to be made.
Nine times out of ten I
Run
Avoid and
Hide
I mean it's just worked so well for me thus far, not.
I know not what other to do.
Every time I attempt to smooth
I make the hole deeper and wider
A testament to my failure.
At what point do we stop smoothing?
Stop fixing the seemingly unfixable?
I gave up, I conceal this not.
But only for fear of allowing my
Bloated pride to ribbon the shrinking shreds once more.
I drew the line
I don't know how to fix it
I function with you ever in my peripheral
I don't know how to fix it
I want to fix it but
I don't know how to fix it
Untitled from 22.07.16
I don't want to date anyone.
I want to fake-date someone.
Without the romantic subtext of the run-of-the-mill rom-com.
I want all the perks of dating
- a best friend
- someone to snuggle with
- getting to do cool things together
- cute nothing-y things that only couples have an excuse to do
Without all the sucky parts
- romantic complications
- awkwardness
- not feeling like you can ask what they actually think
Though most of those are hardly universal
I am an anomaly.
A piece with no puzzle of origin.
A stand alone movie, where a sequel was attempted but abandoned, but everyone loves it just the way it is.
It's probably best left just as it is anyway.
I want all of the parts of dating that involve the sweet nothings of the couple but without the permanency. You both know it could end and welcome it. I feel too boxed in by questionable endings and lock-in contracts. Even when that's not entirely what they are.
Because maybe, in the end, I just don't deserve a love.
I want to fake-date someone.
Without the romantic subtext of the run-of-the-mill rom-com.
I want all the perks of dating
- a best friend
- someone to snuggle with
- getting to do cool things together
- cute nothing-y things that only couples have an excuse to do
Without all the sucky parts
- romantic complications
- awkwardness
- not feeling like you can ask what they actually think
Though most of those are hardly universal
I am an anomaly.
A piece with no puzzle of origin.
A stand alone movie, where a sequel was attempted but abandoned, but everyone loves it just the way it is.
It's probably best left just as it is anyway.
I want all of the parts of dating that involve the sweet nothings of the couple but without the permanency. You both know it could end and welcome it. I feel too boxed in by questionable endings and lock-in contracts. Even when that's not entirely what they are.
Because maybe, in the end, I just don't deserve a love.
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