"A Tale of Two...People" from 13.10.15

There was once a girl and a boy, who very much shared the opportunity to fall in love. But circumstance kept them skirting around it, with each of them only darting toward relationship before pulling back again.

She was scared, inexperienced, out of her depth. She'd never before this moment been so close to the warmth of romance. She was cautious, patient, but jumpy and worrisome.

He was confident, clever, persistent. But sometimes he got mixed messages and held back. He was never really sure what she was thinking and found it hard to read the situation. He was patient, kind, but deterred and confused.

Their story has not yet reached a resolution; their resolution is Schrodinger's resolution, both happy and sad, still with endless possibility.

from 13.10.15

"I had a strange dream about kissing you. But the strangest thing was that it was my daydream."

"At Home" from 11.10.15

For the little amount of time we spend together, whenever we do, I feel so at home. You just seem to understand me.

So as we sit in the unrelenting sun and complain about friends and school, I feel the most at ease I have in a long time. There's no filter anymore, no constant background thought chains dictating every sentence.

We share with open hearts and I real sense of "screw it". What could the other do with our secrets anyway?

If I had to describe it, I would say that this is a moment in which I felt truly alive.

"icy" from 10.10.15

Being frozen out is painful. Not the physical sort of pain, the emotional sort of pain. I find it emotionally taxing to feel alone, disconnected from my friends. I get a creeping reflection on everything. It get a little bitter about it. I turn my music up a little more; I turn inward a little more.

But there's always someone willing to thaw you out, provided that you're willing to defrost your hardened heart. Move a little closer together and let the warmth of connection evaporate the puddles left from the ice. But most importantly, don't become a snap freezer. Let things run their path in due time with out a frosty grasp on your heart.

"Of Twigs and Dust" from 09.10.15

When you ignore me, I worry that you don't like me. I know that you don't mean to ice me out, but it's one of the reasons I know I'm falling for you. If I didn't really like you, I wouldn't really care if you moved on; I might even prefer it. But I worry about how you feel about me, much to my dismay.

I want you to like me. I over-analyse comments and gestures to the extreme. I care more than I'm used to. I'm falling and I keep trying to break it, but all in vain. My fingers are grasping at twigs and dust, and I'm incredibly aware if it all. So when you don't hear me, I freak, because I know I'm gonna hurt when I hit the bottom.

Untitled from 08.10.15

I think about you more than I'm willing to admit. I'm really independent, so I guess that's a bit of a big deal. Sometimes when you pop into my head I try to push it out. "I'm totally being obsessive," is just one of many excuses. (Others include, "I thought I didn't need anyone else!" or "I'm being creepy.")

But I do care about you and it makes me vulnerable. You're a weakness in my cold stone security in myself and I feel like anyone could hurt me through that. I just hope that you don't.

Untitled from 07.10.15

I feel stressed

Success feels within reach

But my arm is tired

So I don't even try

I am useless

"Falling" from 06.10.15

I guess I've only just realised now that I'm falling for you, just a tiny little bit. People are starting to pair off and I think that part of the reason I was so content on my own was that I convinced myself that it was for the best. I honestly never thought that this would happen to me. I never thought that maybe I would like someone and they would like me back.

Growing up, I only ever liked one guy and retrospectively I realise that it never would have really worked. We both moved on and that was the end of that. I was never really interested in anyone else and maybe I was right, it was for the best but now I have a chance that is slightly hard to comprehend. 

So I guess what I'm saying is that if I seem a little out of my depth it's because I never considered that someone would fall for me, let alone that I would fall also.

"A Taste of Freedom" from 05.10.15

It feels like it will only be a breath away. Eight weeks of classes and then I'm free, properly this time. Stress-free life is just a gasp away, a touch away, It's beginning to feel like a real, tangible idea, rather than an abstract concept.

How can two weeks feel so different in length? One, full of clamour and bustle, sees the weekend fade into nostalgia, a distant memory romanticised by age. The other, seemingly wasted on crap television and giggles shared with friends, feels like it could've been yesterday. (It was five days ago, actually.) Nothing was really achieved, but you regained hope in yourself, which is just as valuable in the scheme of your life. 

"The Trials of Actually Caring" from 04.10.15

My life would be much easier if I didn't care what you thought about me. I wouldn't waste time worrying about how to respond to your messages in the perfect phrasing, so as to perfectly convey a certain connotation.

I wouldn't worry about crafting the perfect outfit for a not-date, down to the stripes or spots on my socks. I could choose to wear whatever I wanted without stressing the details.

My reputation to your parents wouldn't be as important to me as it is. I could finally catch up on some sleep, instead of lamenting all of the embarrassing things I've done in front of them. That would be nice.

I wish I didn't care what you thought of me. My stress levels would certainly be better. But alas, I do care, however it pains me so.

"Day Zero" from 30.09.15

I am walking to a point of reckoning and the strangest thing is that I feel underdressed. I guess that ultimately I make and choose my own destiny, but it feels like this inevitable point of time that will happen, whether I organise the specifics or not.

I cling desperately to the words of support from people around me, encouraging me, spurring me on to my moment. If I ultimately do end up falling, they'll be around to patch me up.

I choose to jump though, because choosing to jump is better than being pushed off the edge.

"Screw Up" from 28.09.15

I feel very often like I've stuffed everything up. I'm not very sure of myself in this situation and it makes me second guess every decision I make. Whenever you don't reply, I assume the worst. I like to think I'm confident, but when it comes to this, I'm as lost as can be. I'm just trying not to screw this all up. Wat we have going, I can deal with. I'm getting more comfortable in the current context. But I feel like if it all changes, I'll lose my already shaky footing. This is not a good feeling.